A story of hope and freedom
In this moving reflection, Anna shares her journey into Christian meditation following a season of illness and anxiety. What began with hesitation and uncertainty has opened into a new relationship with God, herself, and those around her. From confronting fear to finding deep joy, her story is one of hope and freedom.
Following the trail
After a difficult few years, including cancer treatment and the anxiety that followed, Anna began exploring meditation. “I was left with a lot of anxiety about the future,” she shares, “and although I was given medication, it made life really difficult—I was sleeping all the time.”
It was a simple conversation with a visiting friend that shifted something. Her friend spoke about meditation during lockdown, and something about her had changed. Anna was curious. A book led her to research, and research led her to The School of Contemplative Life. “It’s funny how God leads you on a trail—you follow the bits of bread, as it were,” she says.
After finding The School on Instagram, something clicked. “Everything seemed to fall into place. I thought, ‘I might give this a go.’”
Discovering the practice
Since then, Anna has been meditating regularly—attending practice sessions twice a week and meditating most days on her own, even at night. Though new to the formal practice, she realised she had been drawn to silence and stillness for years.
“I’d bought The Cloud of Unknowing, visited Ffald-y-Brenin, and even found a journal from 2010 with the heading ‘journey into silence’ written at the top. The programme The Big Silence really affected me. Without realising it, I had been on this path for a long time.”
A new relationship with thoughts
The transformation has been remarkable. “I’ve been amazed—in such a short time! My relationship with my thoughts has completely changed.”
Living with cancer had brought up long-standing fears. “I grew up in a family where my mum struggled with health issues. Someone once told me I’d become afraid as a child. It affected my life decisions.” One of the painful effects was anxiety about travelling alone—something she deeply wanted to overcome.
“After a few weeks of meditation, I began to understand that thoughts come and go. It’s about how you react to them. Last week, I drove an hour and a half on my own. I can’t tell you how wonderful that was—it’s like I’ve moved into a much bigger space of freedom.”
Joy, too, has begun to bubble up—“for no apparent reason,” she says with wonder. “There wasn’t a lot of joy at home growing up. But now, it just comes.”
Compassion rising
When asked whether she has noticed a change in her compassion, Anna shares a tender moment. “A family member was telling me some things, and she got a bit tearful. I felt this overwhelming love for her—more than I’ve ever felt. Is this a sign of compassion? I think so.”
She has also noticed how quickly she slips back into old patterns on busy days. “I catch myself and say, ‘You need a cup of tea. Go and sit quietly. Get back to your place of peace.’”
For Anna, self-compassion is something she is growing into. “I’ve always tried to support people, but I also carried a sense of responsibility that could be heavy. Meditation is helping me release that. I’ve retired now, and I’m putting things into my life that are for me.”
When her stepdaughter saw her recently, she said, “I can see it in your face.”
Letting go of old concepts
The practice has also led Anna to reflect deeply on her faith. “One of the battlegrounds inside me since lockdown has been church. I haven’t wanted to go, and I couldn’t work out why. But now I feel at peace with it.”
She explains: “God is within me. I can walk with others on this journey in a new way. It’s still a God journey—it’s just not the same structure as before.”
Her concept of God has shifted too. “I used to have all the language, all the ideas. But I didn’t have a deep prayer life. I was always doing, leading, meeting needs. But this… this is different.”
“Now, God is within. I feel safe in a way I didn’t before. It’s not about being good enough or saying the right things. I’m not walking a tightrope anymore. It’s simpler now. God is in me, and I’m in God.”
Interconnectedness and peace
Anna has always loved nature, but something has changed. “I have space inside me now to stop and smell the roses. I think that’s what the practice gives you—space. It helps me sit with people and not need to jump in. I let my family be. That feels like a gift.”
As someone still new to the practice, Anna is learning to trust the simplicity. “I used to try and edit my thoughts. Now, I’m learning not to mind them. It’s a revelation.”
And though online groups aren’t usually her preference, she’s found them to be unexpectedly rich. “I’ve loved listening to others—the honesty, the questions. It reminds me of when I used to run Alpha. People are so open. It’s a beautiful space.”
This blog is based on one of the teachings given in a recent online meditation group gathering. You are warmly welcome to join one of our future gatherings.
Please note, this reflection, which is shared with permission, describes one participant’s personal experience and is not intended as medical or therapeutic advice.